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Twins 16, Diamondbacks 8: The Beautiful Game

In the dumbest Twins game any of us will see all year, the Twins jumped out to your classic 16-0, fifth-inning lead, then handed the ball over to the bullpen to drag us kicking and screaming towards a finish line placed just ahead of 12:30 am CT.

You’ve maybe never seen a former All-Star become washed in real time, but it may have happened to Arizona starter Zac Gallen tonight. After allowing two Minnesota runs in a lengthy first inning, thanks to a two-out, two-run single from Brooks Lee, Gallen was BABIP’d to hell and back in one of the most frustrating fourth innings a starting pitcher could drum up. It’s our first of two bullet-point innings, so buckle up.

Brooks Lee grounds a single through the infield
Trevor Larnach grounds a single just past the glove of Ketel Marte
Byron Buxton pops out
Royce Lewis flies out

All told, the five consecutive groundball singles were responsible for three more runs, and the two-out Clemens single officially made it a 6-0 game. Surely, batting around once in the middle innings would be enough for most teams. But Derek Shelton, as we all know, drives the hardest bargain in Major League Baseball, and it was with an almost frightening stoicism that he addressed his lineup in the top of the fifth, and decreed, “again.”

So, I got another bullet-point inning for you.

Zac Gallen is somehow still pitching.

Brooks Lee triples
Victor Caratini doubles him home
Luke Keaschall singles him over
Gallen is mercifully replaced by Yilber Diaz
Ryan Kreidler scores Caratini on a laser single to left
Trevor Larnach walks to load them up
Byron Buxton hits an opposite-field grand slam to make it 12-0 with nobody out in the 5th
Kody Clemens flies out
Josh Bell singles
Royce Lewis pops out
Brooks Lee hits a ground-rule double on a stuck roller that otherwise would have been his second triple of the inning
Victor Caratini grounds a two-run single through the infield
Luke Keaschall singles through the infield
Ryan Kreidler triples home both runners to make it 16-0, score the fourth two-out run of the frame, and make it a 10-run 5th inning
Trevor Larnach grounds out

If that’s a play-by-play quite unlike anything you’ve ever seen, you’re not alone. The Twins set numerous “biggest inning since” and “most consecutive singles since” and “most runs in a frame since” in a 29-minute top of the fifth inning that, once again, made it a 16-0 Minnesota lead with the game roughly halfway to completion.

Mercifully — for Arizona, at least — the Twins were done scoring. Instead, they placed a premium on reminding viewers why such a potent offense has nevertheless produced a losing team. Answer? The worst bullpen you’ve just simply ever seen!

Before I forget, starter Taj Bradley took 91 pitches to do so, but got through five innings allowing just two fifth-inning runs on three hits to the Arizona lineup, both coming on a deep drive from Jorge Barrosa, his second homer of the season. Anthony Banda got the next three outs of the sixth, and then Justin Lawrence turned in one of the most obvious DFA-worthy performances of all time. In a nightmare seventh, Lawrence walked the first three he faced (sprinkling a pair of wild pitches into the mix), then walked a run home with one out, before allowing a bases-clearing double to Ildemaro Vargas, who scored two batters later on a sharp single.

The Twinkie Town bylaws, of course, prevent any duds from being decreed on a winning night such as, but let’s just say that Lawrence’s line of 0.2 IP, 2 H, 5 ER, 4 BB, 2 K would be otherwise, uh…notable.

Eric Orze was a bit better — it would be hard not to be — but still allowed an eighth-inning run, Arizona’s 8th and final of the night.

For the Twins, the only remaining storyline was whether Brooks Lee could complete the cycle; despite getting a ninth-inning at-bat against Vargas, who got the final five outs from position player land, Lee was unable to put the cherry on top of this one. Instead, it was Yoendrys Gomez who had the last word, pitching the cleanest inning of the night for either team.

As the Twins go for the series win tomorrow, performances like these also help them jockey for the American League lead in runs scored. The win takes Minnesota to 37-41 and improves them to 7-3 in their last 10. It sure ain’t over yet, particularly if they keep hanging 16-run dong on road trips.

See you tomorrow afternoon!

STUDS:

LF Trevor Larnach (2-for-5, 2 R, 2 RBI, BB)

CF Byron Buxton (1-for-4, R, 4 RBI, Grand Slam)

3B Brooks Lee (4-for-6, 3 R, 2 RBI, 2B, 3B)

C Victor Caratini (3-for-5, 3 R, 3 RBI, 2B)

2B/RF Luke Keaschall (3-for-6, 3 R)

SS Ryan Kreidler (3-for-4, 2 R, 4 RBI, BB, 3B)

DUDS:

NO DUDS! TWINS WIN! TWINS WIN!

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